t has been about a month now since I've posted a true Crohn's/health related update. First off, thanks for sticking with me guys. These past couple months have been total chaos both physically and mentally. I can honestly say they have been some of the happiest with my engagement but also some of the hardest trying to find answers to health issues. Recently I have seen multiple doctors who cannot figure out what the cause of my constant body pain, fatigue, and weakness is. Finally it seems the conclusion is some type of connective tissue disease/disorder either brought on by an autoimmune or even the Remicade. I don't have any distinct diagnosis yet and am waiting on an appointment with a rheumatologist who I pray can help me make sense of all of this.
I know I have said this before but not know what the heck is wrong with you is one of the most frustrating things to go through. The physical piece of it is hard, yes, but the emotional aspect of having an invisible illness or chronic illness can be the most debilitating part of the whole thing. I love sharing my life and my struggles with our community because I like helping other people and connecting with others but recently I have just been retreating and trying to conserve energy.
Something that I always hear from people with chronic/invisible illnesses is that their friends say that "they change" or "they are antisocial". At first I always thought, "oh its just people being depressed about their situation". I did this SO seriously when I was really sick a few years ago. I stopped talking to friends, I spent any free time at home, and I because a lot less of the social butterfly I always used to be. Crohn's has changed my social demeanor a whole lot to be honest.
I have a new take on this now. I think that this natural instinct to retreat when you are sick is something that your body does as a line of defense. It is trying to conserve your energy for what is most important, keeping you alive and thriving. I used to think it was a conscious decision that I didn't stop and talk to everyone I could in the office or the grocery store anymore. I thought it was me lacking the confidence that I used to have that cause me to crave being the center of social attention. Now that could play into it but I really think that my body is conserving my energy for myself because I am sick.
I have started to think about this as I go through my day now and it really has helped me to change my perspective and keep me from feeling as guilty. I have a limited amount of energy per day and I need it to be allocated in the way that best suits myself and my health. Now I don't literally mean energy like physical energy. I mean that energy, plus mental energy from problem solving, stress, and just general thoughts. I mean emotional energy that you put into relationships and conversations no matter how trivial they may seem. There is only so much that I can give and if I give my already limited amount away to everyone else, How am I going to feel? The answer is not good.
I've shifted my mindset and realized that sometimes it is so necessary to pull your focus inwards for a bit because you can't spread light and love to others if you, yourself, are not up to par. I have taken these past few months to rebalance, rejuvenate, and realign. Although my physical health is still not where I want it to be, my mindset is great and that is the real compass for what is to come. I know so many of you understand this struggle and for those of you who don't I hope you never have to.
I can't wait for ya'll to see what is to come and I am so excited to continue to grow this community even more. Thank you for the support that this group always gives to me and I look forward to continuing to share my stories with you all.
Blonde babe. Maryland native. Crohn's crushing puppy mother to two sweet rescues.
Welcome to my unfiltered commentary on crushing chronic illness in your 20's and everything that goes along with that.