I had a completely different post that I wanted to do today but I became super inspired to get down and dirty into this topic. I feel that it resonates with my life right now so I am just going to go with it....
I spend 90% of my life acting like I have my shit together. Like I am a good girlfriend, a good daughter, a good sister, a good dog mom, good at my job, good at keeping my home, good at blogging. I have lived my entire life growing up without feeling like I was able to say "hey, I have no clue what I am doing SOS". Through the years, I realized that people really dislike other people who unauthentically act like they have their shit together. So I changed my tune and found a decent balance between faking it till I make it and admitting I actually need help with something. The problem with this, though, is I spent so much time faking that I was good at these things that by time I became an adult I had no gauge on what I actually was good at and what I had just convinced myself I needed to be good at. It was like there were certain things that are unacceptable to be bad at and other things that I almost got a free pass on.
Here is an example: I always identified with making sure I was really good at "work" (whatever I was doing at the time) and had a no sleep, grind hard, get ish done mentality. On the other hand, I identified with being so incredibly undomestic that I swore off having children, cooking, and even getting married. I also just plain sucked at having deep friendships or relationships because I "didn't have time".
I'm not sure where I came up with the idea that this was the "right" way to live, but people accepted it and stopped questioning me about the stuff I was "bad at" and praised me for just being a really hard worker. But was I actually "bad at" these things? Or had I just never tried them? Maybe the reason that I never attempted these things is because they actually were the things I really did care deeply about and I was so scared to fail at them? Hit the nail on the head right there.
It took me up until the past couple of months to come to this life changing conclusion. I identified with being a bad ass working boss babe because I thought that was the only thing I could actually be good at. I knew that the outcome of that was controlled and my input would directly correlate with the output. Strangely enough, I am in a career that yields just that. As I get deeper into my twenties I realize that my life would be pretty lacking if all I did was work at my 9-5 (just kidding it is way longer hours than that). I need family, I need passions, I need hobbies. I could no longer place my self worth on whether or not I am doing well at work because, you know what, I came to realize you can't always control work either.
Since we moved into our home a few months ago I have started experimenting with things I always thought I really sucked at. And guess what? I don't suck at all of these things like I thought I did. I can be domestic. I can cook, and I actually enjoy it! I can garden, and I actually am really enjoying that too. I started blogging more seriously again, but this time with a more authentic approach. I love taking care of my dogs and I love the feeling of selflessness they bring me. I love the unconditional love I have allowed myself to have for Matt. Not only for Matt but also for myself.
I have given myself permission to fail. I am allowed to have a bad day at work. I am allowed to burn the dinner. I am allowed to forget to buy dog food and feed them leftover canned tuna. I am allowed to write a blog post that not everyone loves. I am allowed to say something to a friend that they may not agree with. I am allowed to feel like crap because my Crohn's is acting up and lay in bed all day. These to me, used to be failures, but now I am working to change my mindset. These are just things that just happen in life, and often not because of any wrong doing of my own. If it is a wrong doing on my part, so fucking what.
I have given up the idea that I can only be seen as successful if I am the best of the best at work and at home and in my side projects. I will never be the best. And that is okay. I am just moving forward day by day trying to be the best me that I can be. I have given up the old identity that I carried through my whole life and I am really liking the new flawed and fabulous me. I like my child loving, gardening, cooking side. Even though I'm not by my standards great or even truly good at these things, I just don't care anymore because I am happy. Of course, this doesn't mean that I am giving up everything that I built my identity on, I just have different motives for it. I want to kick ass at work, not just to show people how awesome I am and gain recognition. I used to want that. Now I want to kick ass so that my kids look up to me and see that their mom is a boss. I want to work to make money so that Matt and I can travel and see the world together. I want to share my story not to just put it out there and get people to blindly listen to what I am saying. I want to share my story and my blog to truly connect with people and hopefully help them. I am focusing on my legacy. To me legacy is what fully encompasses a person, not just one aspect of them. I am working on rounding out my life and really living my truth, that way, my legacy is one that I can feel so, so good about.
Blonde babe. Maryland native. Crohn's crushing puppy mother to two sweet rescues.
Welcome to my unfiltered commentary on crushing chronic illness in your 20's and everything that goes along with that.