The Amazon Prime Early Access Sale is here! It's a great time to grab some fashion finds for a fraction of their regular price and get them delivered almost immediately to your door. Throughout my pregnancy I have been building my bump friendly wardrobe with some essentials from Amazon that I can also wear in post bump life. I've stuck to a very neutral color palette so almost all of these pieces can be mixed and matched to create a chic (and comfy) look.

You can shop my favorites below and check out full looks via my LTK. 

​Okay, it’s time to talk about potty training. I’ve had so many conversations with other moms about this and I feel like this is a universal rough spot of parenting. 

I don’t really have a specific parenting style. I read books and articles, listen to podcasts, and like all of those infographics on Instagram. I feel informed in many areas, but don’t subscribe to a specific method or style. We take what works and discard the rest (or save it for later depending on the advice). This works for us, but sometimes I think it perpetuates the feeling that I’m always making a wrong decision. So many of these methods and styles contradict each other and since I pick and choose what I use I am never following a plan to a T. I’m never getting to check the boxes on everything. All of this means that by someone’s standards I’m always doing something “wrong”. I get now that’s kind of just par for the course in motherhood. 

Well potty training was going to be different for us. 

Our day one potty training experience sucked. Like obviously, yeah running your kid back and forth to the potty is a lot, and cleaning up pee from every floor in your home is rough, but it’s more than that. 

We decided to start training early (a little before 23 months), because there is a local preschool program that we think Maddox will love. You can start once you turn two and you are potty trained. Everyone we mentioned this to was like “wow two is early”, but we read the books, took notes, and had a plan. He could stay my little baby in diapers for another year and I’d be fine with it, but thinking about the fun I know he will have at this program motivated me. 

Well fast forward to day one of getting our plan in motion. We did everything the book said, and we were proud of how well we abided by the plan. Maddox was doing a great job sitting on the potty, but was really struggling with knowing when it was time to get to the potty. We had a day mixed with success and accidents. We stayed super positive through it. By the end of the day though, Maddox started getting so frustrated with himself. He’s smart and knows he’s supposed to be doing something, but he was really struggling to do it. He’s a natural problem solver so I knew he was really trying. It broke my heart. He patiently waited on the potty, allowed us to help him, and listened to our directions. He was exhausted and upset. We were exhausted and upset. Not because of accidents or mess but because seeing our little boy so frustrated with himself was horrible.

In every potty training and behavior book I’ve read about toddlers there is a focus on the independence you are giving your child by helping them learn things for themselves. You’re helping instill confidence in them and giving them the boundaries to explore and succeed safely. I definitely buy into this and we’ve seen it work with so many other milestones. It’s how our family functions each day. 

Looking at this day through that lens made me question what we were doing. We were giving Maddox the boundaries, the rules, the tools, the encouragement. The effort was there fully from us and him, but this was not giving him confidence even when he was getting it “right”. Things just didn’t feel right. We were off the rails and fumbling our way through. 

I was reluctant to stray from our plan because even the books say you’re “weak” or letting your child manipulate you. I was failing by not making this happen for him. Was I failing him? Or did I feel like I was failing myself? I’m not a quitter I thought. But I also want what is best for my son. If he’s not ready then why can’t we reevaluate? Reevaluating went against my instinct to always push forward and “complete the mission”, but as a parent, my mom instinct was twisting inside of me saying “you know your child best and you know how/what he responds to best. You know how he works. You may not be a parenting or toddler behavioral expert but you are the expert on Maddox.” 

As he took a nap I obsessed over fearing I was letting him down by “giving up” on our plan, but then also fearing that I wasn’t doing what’s best for him as his mom who knows him best. Either way I felt like I was making a wrong decision (which honestly motherhood feels like this a lot). 

Matt and I sat down at the end of the day and agreed on a pivoted plan that felt best for our son based on what we, his parents, the “Maddox experts” think. The weight felt lifted off of my shoulders and the knot inside my stomach loosened. That should be proof enough we made the “right” decision. 

Well fast forward to once everyone is in bed and I’m still thinking about our choice. This has become an entire emotional mind fuck for me. Am I weak and letting my family down because I can’t follow “the plan”. Am I not dedicated enough? Am I not wanting to deal with the challenge? Somehow my entire worthiness as a mom and a person is hinged on this stupid potty training decision. Why. 

I broke it down and by pivoting to a custom Maddox plan as we call it there really are no downsides for him. He will eventually be potty trained, when he is developmentally ready. He may not be able to start preschool right away, but he can start when he’s ready. There are plenty of other ways he can socialize, it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing situation. All is good. 

All of the negatives are based on me feeling like I failed him, me feeling like weak, and me feeling like I didn’t do things “right”. Logically I know this sounds crazy, but once you read enough parenting advice that literally threatens you not to divert from the plan and you’re a type A personality it really can take hold of you. 

How could I have predicted that the most traumatic part of potty training would not be accidents all over our new house, but instead the emotional weight of trying to do what’s best for your child, while also trying to figure out what the heck that is. 

I guess the moral of the story here is a few things:

You know your kid best, you may not be a parenting expert but you’re an expert at being their parent 

Plans, books, and advice for parents read very black and white. On paper it is nice and neat and makes perfect sense. In practice though our kids are all of the messy but beautiful colors in between so we have to figure out how to navigate that. A black and white plan isn’t always the answer. 

Parenting really throws your biggest insecurities in your face and makes you face them head on. As you child grows you are growing emotionally too. 

So a month out from our original potty training weekend, we are continuing to practice our “Maddox plan”. He is wearing training diapers and practicing going to the potty. He is a lot happier, we are a lot happier, and we will get this potty training thing down fully when it’s the right time for our family. 

Back in May we shared the news that we are adding a new little one to the Pickens family! I really wanted to do a cute shoot to announce the pregnancy, but also focus on Maddox becoming a big brother. To us that was part of what made the news so exciting! We had an adorable "Big Bro" jacket made for him, thanks to Amy Scripts. After we say how cute it was we decided to fully embrace the denim thing as a family. 

We worked with my friend Jade (Jade Nikkole Photography) to bring the vision to life. We opted for lots of candids (a must when shooting with a toddler!) and wanted to highlight the genuine happiness as we told Maddox what it was going to be like to be a big brother. 

I shared a few of these precious photos in our social media announcements, but wanted to give them a moment here too since they are so special to us. 

I have been a Pete Davidson fan for forever. The reasons I started to really love him are that he has Crohn’s Disease (so do I) and that he is so open about mental health. These two things are so close to my heart. 

A few years ago during his Ariana Grande days, people were making fun of him for having “butthole eyes”. Grande fired back on Twitter explaining that Davidson has an autoimmune disease and one of the symptoms is having sunken eyes due to dehydration. Later in an interview with Tan France, Davidson replied to the comments by sharing that he has Crohn’s Disease. Crohn’s Disease is an autoimmune condition that causes chronic inflammation throughout the digestive tract. Symptoms include chronic diarrhea, vomiting, pain, and fatigue among many other ailments ranging from mild to severe. While it is commonly regarded as an invisible illness, there are visible manifestations that sometimes occur. There is currently no known cure. There are very few public figures who have openly shared their diagnosis of and experiences surrounding their Crohn’s Disease. Pete’s admission is one of the first times I had heard Crohn’s Disease talked about publicly since my diagnosis in 2015. Obviously the reactions to Pete’s revelation were not favorable and only fueled the already present stigma of Crohn’s Disease. Pete was at the end of an insulting and downright rude joke. 

Now, fast forward a few years to today. Davidson is a successful person in his own right and his fame has been inflated even more with his recent relationship with Kim Kardashian. This man who openly shares his struggles and has a disease that is often taboo or considered “gross” is not only super successful with his own accomplishments, he is also dating one of the most successful, influential, and beautiful women in the world. 

In the recent episode of “The Kardashians” on Hulu, Kim gushed about Pete and how she is having some of the best moments of her life with him. Now that Pete is majorly in the spotlight, I haven’t heard anyone mention Pete’s Crohn’s Disease (and certainly no “butthole eyes” comments). This shift in public commentary is a welcome one I’m sure, as no one wants to be defined or ridiculed by their illness. With Pete’s ever rising fame and influence, I do wonder if Pete and/or Kim speaking out now could help change the stigma around Crohn’s Disease and invisible and chronic illnesses in general. 

Pete has already done so much for changing the stigma around mental health through his openness about his own struggles. Mental health with men is a hugely under discussed issue and he sheds light on it in a humorous and approachable way. Kim is no stranger to mental health struggles either. Her ex-husband, Kanye West, has publicly suffered from his own mental health issues over the years. Kim has been an important part of the mental health conversation acting as a supportive partner and addressing how she’s handled this with her family.  

Together Pete and Kim are a powerhouse of influence who have already made an impact in the area of mental health. They have the opportunity now to shift the stigma not only around chronic illness, but also being a partner to someone with a chronic illness. Of course, this is all extremely personal so if Pete chooses not to ever speak about his Crohn’s Disease publicly again, I respect that completely. I just want to put it out into the universe that if he does feel comfortable sharing his experience, I know there are many of us who would welcome it with great appreciation. 

As a Pete fan (and a Kim fan), I have to close the article saying that I love that they have found such happiness together and I send them the best wishes. I can’t wait to see what this powerhouse couple does, whether it’s being blissfully in love away from the spotlight or sharing more about their experience together. 

Every year I use the Nordstrom sale to grab a few pieces that will be staples in my wardrobe that Fall/Winter. These are my choices this year. Versatile + easy to mix and match. Also all are bump friendly so I don’t have to wait until after baby gets here to wear them.

I also use the Nordstrom sale to stock up on my cozy essentials. A new Barefoot Dreams cardigan and these short sleeve pajamas are on my list every year. This year I added another cute set, a pair of leggings I’ve heard great things about, and Ugg slippers.

The Nordstrom sale is also a great time to stock up on gifts. Here are a few ideas that are sure to be crowd pleasers. All are under $75 and are perfect for a variety of occasions.

If you are scrambling for a last minute Mother's Day gift idea I've got you covered. Whether it is for a mom in your life who you appreciate or you are looking to treat yourself this year, here are 12 options that you can't go wrong with. The best part? You still have time to order!

Click through the shoppable guide below for direct links for each product.

This time last year I was in my third trimester, feeling pretty sick everyday, and trapped in my house thanks to the pandemic. When I tell you the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale kept me going there for a few long nights when I was too uncomfortable to sleep. I planned out a whole ‘Wish List’ of things I was going to need for delivery/new mom life. I was thrilled when I was able to find just about everything I wanted in stock, but of course there was the question of whether or not I would actually use this stuff. There is always that expectation versus reality thing that gets you, especially when entering parenthood. 

A year later I can say that all of my top picks from the sale last year have actually been some of my most used/worn items throughout the end of my pregnancy and first year of motherhood. Honestly, a lot of these picks I couldn’t justify getting if I didn’t snag them on sale so I want to share them with you all so you can add them to your ‘Wish List’ as the Anniversary Sale kicks off. 

​I will never not recommend this blanket. It is the softest, coziest blanket and worth every bit of hype surrounding it. This is probably one of the most used items in my life. I brought one to the hospital with me when I had Maddox and we snuggle in it everyday. They are also super easy to wash and care for which is a must when dealing with baby mess. 

​I have two pairs of these pajamas and they are a staple in my closet. Their buttery soft fabric has me looking forward to changing into them at the end of the day and honestly, I spent many consecutive days right after Maddox’s arrival in these. The button down style makes the top breastfeeding friendly and the bottoms are super stretchy so they accommodate for that postpartum diaper look or c-section recovery. 

​These Barefoot Dream cardigans are worth the price. They are basically like wearing a super cozy blanket. I pretty much lived in these all Fall and Winter. I paired them with nursing tanks and leggings and was ready for lounging on the couch, feeding the baby, or a Zoom meeting. 

​After having Maddox I needed some good walking shoes because as a new mom you walk a lot. Something I learned the hard way is that you also need treads/a good grip. These are perfect for strolling through the neighborhood and eventually chasing you little one around. I have the plain white and grey ones, but can’t wait to get my hands on this pattern this year. 

​Hospital slippers are so necessary and you want a pair that is both comfy and soft effective (in case they get yucky). These check both of those boxes and would be at the top of my list if I was expecting again. 

I lived (and still do live) in leggings so having a few quality ones to rotate through its a necessity. These Zella leggings are a great price, are high waisted, and have pockets. They are on my ‘Wish List’ this year!

Scroll through a few more of my picks below to see what I am hoping to add to my cart this year. 

At the beginning of summer we planned a last minute getaway to Williamsburg, VA. We chose the destination for a few reasons. 

• It was close enough for us to drive and, due to Covid, we weren’t comfortable flying yet with Maddox 
• We were going Memorial Day weekend so we wanted to avoid any beach towns that would be insanely crowded
• Outdoor activities and beautiful places to walk around were plentiful

It ended up being the perfect family friendly place to spend our first real getaway as a family. Below I am sharing some of my favorite places we visited and my recommendations from our trip. Keep in mind, Covid restrictions were still in place it this point so we aimed for outdoor activities and outdoor dining when possible! Coming from Baltimore, the drive was around three and a half hours so totally doable with a little one in tow!

​Where to Stay
We stayed at the Historic Powhatan Resort, which was perfect for what we needed. We had a two bedroom condo with a full kitchen. This was ideal for so many reasons. Maddox was still drinking bottles all day so the kitchen made it easy for us to store and clean them. We were also able to keep our own food/drinks/snacks handy. The second bedroom was a game changer since we could have Maddox set up to sleep separate from the main living space and our room. At that point he was going down for bed around 7pm, and we were not going to turn in for the night at that point. Every night we waited to have dinner until he went to bed and ordered something to be delivered. I picked up a mini charcuterie plate and wine downtown so we could have our own happy hour in the room while we waited on our dinner to arrive. We could then freely watch movies and hang out without having to worry about waking up the baby!

The grounds of the resort are beautiful and were great for walking Maddox around. We also had a full deck which overlooked a pond. It was perfect for blowing bubbles and showing Maddox all of the ducks swimming by. 

​Start Here: Merchants Square

The center of the downtown area, this is where you can find some of the best restaurants and local shops along with seasonal events like the farmer’s market. This is where we started all of our days. We strolled around in the morning to grab coffee and sometimes breakfast. I recommend Aromas, which was our favorite. They have to go orders and seating available indoors and outdoors so you have options depending on what your schedule allows. Whether you stop to grab a bite to eat or pop into a shop, the area is beautiful and very stroller friendly so I would recommend this as a must. 

​Don’t Miss

The Cheese Shop: Gourmet food and every type of cheese and meat you could imagine. You can make your own charcuterie board using their assortment of delicacies or buy a spread pre made. This is where I grabbed some appetizers for our in hotel happy hours with Maddox. There is also a wine shop in the basement that has a good selection and very decent prices.

The Farmers Market: Saturday mornings starting at 8am in Merchants Square. It was rainy when we went, but we still had a great time perusing through the stands of local merchants. Some of our favorite finds were a quality gluten free pasta, fresh pressed juice, and fresh tzatsiki dip. 

​Where to Eat:

Berret’s Seafood - Daily rotating specials of fresh, seafood centered meals. Outdoor seating is first come first serve, so we went a little after the lunch rush and has no issues grabbing a table. Their seasonal cocktails were delicious as well!

Blue Talon Bistro - This place is a must for breakfast with mouth watering sweet and savory options. We had to wait a bit for outdoor seating here, but you can put your name in and shop around while you wait. 

Amber Ox Public House - Out of everywhere we tried, this was my favorite! The whole vibe of the place was relaxed, but also very cool. There was ample outdoor seating and we were able to get a table to a weekend brunch. The menu has unique snacks and features a lot of “boards”. I am a huge fan of that concept! They also have full entrees as well if you are looking to get your own meal. All of the food we got was very fresh and tasty so I certainly am planning to head back during our next trip to try their dinner menu. The cocktails were also very fun and they also have some handcrafted mocktails if you want to skip the booze! 

​What to Do:

Visit Sweethaven Lavender Farm

This was my favorite stop of our entire trip! The charming farm is home to lavender fields along with other flower gardens. They also have a barn with a gift shop and area to try some lavender flavored treats. We picked lavender (Maddox sort of helped but mainly ate dirt) and then tried some lavender lemonade and a lavender snow cone. We spent a couple hours just hanging around the grounds. It is a beautiful place to walk around or sit and relax in one of their cute seating areas. There is plenty of space for kids to run around and the whole family to enjoy the beauty of the outdoors. 

If it Rains:

I had to add this in here because we, of course, found ourselves with less than favorable weather for a portion of our getaway. Taking precautions for Covid, we were hesitant to head to any indoor activities with Maddox. We ended up at the outlets, which actually worked out pretty nicely. One of us ran into stores and shopped while the other walked Maddox around under the covered areas. He got to be outside and see new things while we got to score some deals on new clothes (mostly for him, of course). 


Next Time:

On our next visit definitely want to make sure to get to some of the historic sites. We wanted to wait until Maddox is a little older before we get into some of the more historic attractions. 

Overall I would rate this a very successful first family getaway. We didn’t worry much about sightseeing  since we are planning to visit the historic sites when Maddox gets older. We tried to take on the town in as leisurely of a way as possible and this was a great place to do just that. We also spent a decent amount of time just playing around with Maddox at the resort, which is another reason I am so happy we opted for a family friendly spot with more room for us all. 

​Let me know if you end up visiting Williamsburg, VA and check out any of my favorite spots! Feel free to share your top restaurant or activity so I can add it to my list for our next visit!

xx

​No matter how you feed your baby, the journey has ups and downs, as well as an often glossed over emotional component. Our feeding story has been a mix of many methods, but today I’m talking specifically about my experience breastfeeding. 

At 10 weeks postpartum, I wrote an emotional post explaining the realities of breastfeeding during those first 10 weeks. I never released the post because it felt too raw and emotional at the time. Now at six months postpartum, I revisited it and added an update on where we are now. Being more removed from the trenches, per say, it feels like it’s time to share. Hopefully these truths help to either prepare you that struggle is normal or show you that there is a bright view from the other side. I wish at 10 weeks postpartum I would have read something like this and honestly that is part of the reason why I wrote this. ​

Breastfeeding is freaking hard. It is one of the most time consuming and thankless jobs you will ever have. I definitely feel like my expectations were skewed going into motherhood. From looking at Instagram and all of the mom bloggers posting their boob happily in their baby’s mouth, I was under the impression that breastfeeding was this super easy natural thing and my biggest issue would be the sad day I’d have to stop because he got too old. Wrong wrong wrong wrong. I am here to tell you that is not the norm although it may happen to some of the lucky ones, but do not let that expectation take over. I have grown a lot more comfortable with my journey and realized that a lot of other moms have these ups and downs in their breastfeeding story as well. I want to walk through my story and the stuff no one tells you because from my experience there is a lot of it. I am an avid researcher of situations before entering them and no class, book, or Google search prepared me for this. The only thing that made me feel like I wasn’t going crazy or the only one going through the breastfeeding rollercoaster was hearing the raw truth from other moms. 

So let’s start with when I realized how underprepared I really was which was, well immediately after giving birth. I didn’t realize that I was going to be pumping from the beginning. I had this idea that my baby would be born, immediately latch to my boob, and that would be that. I thought the first time I’d have to even pull out my pump was when I’d eventually want a glass of wine so I could do the old pump and dump. That entire thought sequence is false on just about every level. 

Your milk doesn’t “come in” for a few days so while you are in the hospital you are pumping to get things going. My hospital provided me with a breast pump to use which I believe most hospitals do, but at first there was little instruction so I was winging it and doing it totally wrong. Maddox was born via c-section and was in the Nicu for a bit before I got to feed him myself so I just hung out super drugged up trying to operate this pump while I waited for him. We didn’t really succeed with the whole breastfeeding thing the entire time we were in the hospital. I thought it was going to be a piece of cake since I was already leaking a little weeks before Maddox’s birth. That was not indicative in any way of what our breastfeeding experience would look like. 

When Maddox was discharged from the Nicu to us, they let us know he had already been given formula and a pacifier. They told me as if I was going to lose my mind that they gave my child these taboo things instead of just being so damn grateful that got him well after our rough birth. The formula and pacifier were literally the last thing I was worried about. From this point out we got a lot of mixed messages about the whole breastfeeding vs formula thing. The nurses, especially his ones from the Nicu, said that he needed to eat and get his weight up and not to worry if we had to use formula because he was early, therefore probably not a strong feeder yet. Since I was producing next to nothing at this point I started filling him up on formula. I went into motherhood just assuming I would exclusively breastfeed, but I was never against formula at all. The nurses even gave him formula when he went for shots because he was getting cranky. They apologized when they returned him, but said they really thought he needed it. I did not think this warranted an apology at all. They knew what they were doing way more than I did so if they thought he needed formula, go for it! They also handed me back a calm baby when they left with an angry one so I really owed them a thank you. 

Due to Covid, it was more difficult to see a lactation consultant, but eventually I was able to.  Her opinion was to very much shy away from the formula. She said that my body knew what to do and so did Maddox. The notion sounded great, but I could not get Maddox to latch. We worked on this a lot and eventually compromised on a temporary solution. If he wasn’t able to latch,  I would pump into tiny little cups and syringe feed him the little bit of breastmilk I had produced. We did this even when we got home. If he got really agitated and I was out of breastmilk, I would give him a bit of formula, but I was really leaning into the whole breastmilk only thing. 

When we took him to the pediatrician a couple days after we brought him home, our doctor let us know that he had dropped a significant amount of weight since he was born. She was awesome and walked through my whole feeding routine with me, which yielded the advice to add in some formula so he could get a consistent supply and get back up to his birth weight. The way she explained it made a lot of sense to me. He was early and small so it might take him until he gets older and bigger to become a stronger feeder. For now we supplement as much as we need to and that will only help us toward our endgame of exclusive breastfeeding.

We did this and my life got a whole lot easier. Before I was having to pump every few hours and then syringe feed him. Now I had the freedom to pump while Matt gave him a formula bottle and then I could give him the breastmilk at his next feeding. Of course he immediately gained weight and we were thrilled as was his pediatrician. We continued to do this for three weeks while I still tried to get him to latch. This whole process was excruciatingly painful for my breasts as we worked on getting a good latch. On top of that,  I was growing more anxious as we approached the one month mark when Matt had to go back to work and I wouldn’t have the extra set of hands to give a bottle while I pumped. This whole feeding process was extremely time consuming, which after talking to other moms I’ve realized feels like the case no matter what your feeding scenario is. 

I finally decided to take the pediatrician up on an offer to see their lactation consultant. I went into my appointment saying, “I just want to know if he will ever be able to latch or if I should give up and get my mind around the fact that I would be exclusively pumping.” After a few very simple and quick adjustments, Maddox was latched and eating very well and I had renewed hope. I started being able to breastfeed him a lot more. We still were supplementing with formula as my supply stabilized as I started to feed him more. Cue another round of extremely painful, I mean toe curling, breast pain that brought me to tears and made me dread the next feeding time. We got through the initial pain after a few weeks, but then came clogged ducts, mastitis, and bruising. It has never actually gotten easy like I thought it would. I spent a lot of time feeling uncertain about supplementing with formula, which my pediatrician helped me through with an explanation that resonated with me. She said that if I am giving him breast milk a bit in some way he is receiving the benefits and by having formula included too he is just getting those added benefits as well. She made it into a positive for my baby instead of a failure. 

The whole breastfeeding process has caused me so much anxiety from the start. I was convinced if I didn’t pump exactly when I was supposed to my milk would just dry up. I obsessively calculated how long to wait to feed him after a glass of wine and then would end up pumping anyway and testing my milk with testing strips three times to confirm. I was so frustrated because I felt like every time I was with Maddox it was just to feed him, which wasn’t an awesome experience for me so it made me irritated. Then I hated feeling irritated every time I got to actually spend time with him. Then of course there is the guilt that I am not doing enough as a mom because I have to supplement with formula. I won’t even start on that whole anxiety blackhole, but I’ll tell you it sucks and it is hard to get out off. I mention all of this in the past tense because I like to think I am making progress on the anxiety. Actually, I know I am (thanks to my mom group and group therapy) and I have been able to finally enjoy some feeding sessions with my baby. I have not yet gotten to the point where I can exclusively give him breastmilk and I don’t really think I will get to that point. I am fine with continuing to supplement with formula if that is what will keep him healthy and keep my mental health in check.
  

Breastfeeding has not yet felt easy to me. It feels like a job. Or a never ending item on my to do list that as soon as I cross it off it reappears. In my 10 weeks with Maddox, I have suffered quite a few painful incidents with clogged ducts and bruised nipples and I would not wish that pain upon my worst enemy. I feel a guilty pit in my stomach saying that it feels like a painful obligation at times, but I know I am not alone in this. I’m not sure how long my breastfeeding journey will last, but I am grateful that I have gotten to the point where I have been able to find some enjoyment with it. In the early morning when it is just me and my son sitting in the dark and he so sweetly nestles his head into me,I think about how I love having him so close and I am incredibly thankful for our special time together. I am happy that I have been able to give him breastmilk in some way, shape or form for the first 10 weeks of his life and I am also glad I can share my experience thus far in hopes of tempering expectations and validating the feelings of other struggling moms who read this. 


I wrote this post with so much emotion at just 10 weeks postpartum. I wanted to revisit my breastfeeding journey because it has continued far longer than I had thought it would and I have come to enjoy it a lot more. I also went back to working at 12 weeks postpartum which added another layer to our breastfeeding journey. 

About a week after I wrote my first update on breastfeeding, I had a breakthrough that if I was going to continue breastfeeding I needed to cut myself some slack. Breastfeeding isn’t an all or nothing game, or at least it wasn’t for me. This was so hard for me to wrap my head around, but somehow it happened. I stopped forcing feeds at my breast. If Maddox wanted a bottle of formula, then that’s what he got. If he wanted to breastfeed, then he got to. I let him decide what worked for him. He now regularly switches from breast to bottle depending on what he is in the mood for. I stopped worrying about my supply or producing “enough” and changed my view. Instead of breastfeeding to fully satiate him, I was breastfeeding him to provide nutrients and antibodies that I could provide and then the formula could handle his ever growing hunger. This took so much pressure off of feeding. Instead of obsessing over my supply, I actually enjoyed the time spent breastfeeding Maddox. It’s like as soon as I started to not stress about it, he sensed that and enjoyed breastfeeding a whole lot more. 

For a while we were doing breastfeeding sessions about 4-6 times per day on average. My body got used to this and followed my little one’s cues on how much milk I needed to produce (it still blows my mind that the body does that!). The rest of Maddox’s feeds have been formula up until recently when we have started some foods. He absolutely loves trying new food so as we have explored that, our breastfeeding sessions have gotten to be a bit fewer.

I’ve grown to actually really enjoy breastfeeding and I think it’s because of the way we do it. Breastfeeding is a way for us to bond now instead of me feeling like an overtired milk production machine. I’m so happy and thankful I was able to get to this point. I truly didn’t think I would make it to six months still supplying him with any breastmilk. I’m definitely not saying everything is going off without a hitch now because we definitely have our speed bumps. We have days that we are just not in sync. We have days where I really need him to empty me out and he is set on having a bottle while watching Frozen. We have days that I wake up in puddles of milk. We have days where I am in pain (increasingly so as he is teething). I still don’t know how long our breastfeeding journey will last, but I am thankful for everything I’ve learned through it so far. 

I do want to say I am lucky that I have had the flexibility to feed on demand due to working from home during Covid. I know this is a privilege and not everyone has that option. I also know that this journey is so different for everyone and we all deserve our situations and our stories to be honored. Whatever you choose to do for your baby is what is best for your baby. As I have progressed through my time breastfeeding I’ve done increasingly more research on the challenges women face trying to breastfeed their babies. There is a lack of support around breastfeeding and a lot of false information around what is “best”. I’ve become pretty passionate and look forward to sharing some feelings I have around our society and breastfeeding in the future. 

It took me a long time to feel validated about the challenges I was facing both physically and emotionally around breastfeeding. When I finally opened up in one of my virtual mom groups, I finally heard other women share their stories and I felt seen. Especially during Covid, it is challenging to find moms to connect with who you feel safe to say “I’m not doing okay” around. One post can’t replace the beauty of speaking directly with other moms, but I hope if you are struggling my story can at least make you feel less alone and more comfortable reaching out if you need to. 


xx

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